Space Cadet

Creative writers have a way of writing stories in our heads while observing the world, so reality tends to be a blend of what’s real mixed with some fun fiction. But lately, as I’m doing my usual notetaking of the world around me, I’m noticing a definite reality to the space that I occupy in the world and the space that others take up.

There are some people in my world right now who have a sort-of swagger, and they carry themselves from place to place upright and in a straight-forward manner. They’re not shrinking violets. They don’t try to demure themselves. [I totally just turned demure into a verb.] Anyway, they fill their space and they’re unapologetic about it.

By contrast, I feel as though I move like one of those cartoon characters who jumps behind a lamp and becomes lamp-shaped, then tiptoes behind a chair and mimics the shape of the chair in order to better hide.

I tried explaining this to an extrovert once, and he just looked at me like I was nuts. Yes, I can stand on a stage, give a speech, sure. But it’s less distracting to write the stories in my head if I can be a fly on the wall observing rather than standing in the spotlight. But what if there’s another way? There usually is.

This space observation is new to me, so, I’m learning. I’m learning to breathe deeply and fully, and to stand tall and simply be, without trying to be smaller, lesser, or invisible. (Standing tall brings to mind a memory of a high school prom where I was taller than my date so I bent my knees during the pictures so I appeared shorter. It was working until someone took a wide shot of our whole group and I’m standing there, knees bent, looking like I’m doing the bunny hop. Sometimes I’m ridiculous. Each and every time I am, there are pictures.)

Anyway, I’m watching how others simply allow themselves to exist as they are, without the need to edit and taper and fuss. A life without editing? That sounds awful. But maybe we can all do without the taper and fuss. I mean, Imagine taking up your full height and full width and being able to cut a path through any crowded grocery store or festival, all without imposing and without bumping into anyone. Imagine not always being ten steps behind as the crowd pushes you back but having the ability to flow easily, with grace and sure steps. Imagine getting from your personal point A to point B with perfect timing and movements so precise that others don’t just step aside for you but maybe they open the door and then follow in your wake.

I’m testing these new ideas, and I’m a definite work in progress. (Aren’t we all?) But I’m learning to take up my own space, and I imagine my A to B is going to be a bit of a trail blaze.